Year 5.

5 years. 5 fucking years. 5 years ago I woke up, made cinnamon rolls and glaze from scratch, watched some TV, made a sad lunch from what was left in the pantry since the market was closed, took migraine medicine for what I thought was yet another migraine, set my alarm to sleep it off until the medicine kicked in, got up to pee, sat on the toilet, and had a stroke. I’m not sure this date will ever get easier.

In the year that has passed from my last re-birthday, I have been challenged from every direction in life. Every battle is an uphill one and it's getting exhausting, but I won't quit. I’ll rest, as much as my disabled body needs to, but I didn't stay alive to live a half life. I became certified to teach pilates, I became certified to be a life coach. I became a certified lactation educator. I found love, something I genuinely didn't think I would ever find, pre and post disability. I realized that I don't remember what it's like to not have a disability, which scares me a little (read a lot), but I know that I'm doing the right thing for me to get to where I am going, wherever that will be.

I know I have a purpose, I’m still learning how I can use it to the maximum power. It’s hard when systems built to keep me out try their best to keep me away because they're insecure, when the people they serve can benefit from their time with me. One thing people need to learn, is that you'll never beat a stroke survivor when it comes to resilience to keep pushing. I taught myself how to walk again, you're insecurity has got nothing on my strength and belief in myself.

On my healing journey, I have discovered that I am positively drowning in light, and this triggers the darkness of unhealed people around me. I am also learning that it is not my job to heal them, or accept their disgustingly dark energy. We don't have control of what happens to us, but we are responsible for healing from it. So this year, I am all about protecting my energy. 

Today (May 30, 2025), I woke up in Oahu, Hawaii. I had a hotel breakfast with my parents, went to the dole plantation and ate dole whip with my family, went to lunch with my family, played in the pool with my family and then went to dinner.

I still have residual physical deficits from my stroke. Woven within my tons of gratitude for my journey, I still drown in grief, all of the stages. I wonder when it’ll feel less noticeable to me. Honestly, when I first had the stroke, I was sure that within my first year in recovery everything would be back “normal”. After every stroke anniversary, what I call my re-birthday’s, to comfort myself regarding my disability, I tell myself that what I want will come by the next one. It's a dangerous game to play, but I can’t not play that game. This doesn't mean that I don't accept my disability, as I think I have by not putting my life on hold anymore. It means I believe in manifesting, eventually it'll come, it may look different, but it will come.

As I try to do every year for my re-birthday, I did something to confirm that I did in fact survive the stroke. This year to celebrate my 5th re-birthday, I went zip lining, which highlighted the dissonance I have with my pre and post stroke life. Regardless, I completed what I set out to do and for that I am really proud of myself. I am really proud of the person my stroke forced me to be. Do I wish I could have gotten here without the trauma of being a stroke survivor? Most definitely. But without the drama then the plot would be boring, no? 

I’ve missed writing, so I hope that I have the bandwidth to get back into it. Maybe I’ll add that to my list of goals for this next year. 

The winds of change are upon me, and I'm very curious to see what life will be like by my next re-birthday. I am hoping to be healed on a deeper level, I am hoping to live in a world of love and true justice. 🎗️